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in the dark

July 4th, 2010


This journal is now closed. There will be no more updates here.

Some brief notes before I go.

- Got two new kittens on December 27th, 2009 named Kali and Mirage.
- joined a baseball team.
- in a much better place mentally, though I still do struggle with post-traumatic stress and depression related issues.
- overall things are going good.

Thank you all for taking the time to read. There's a lot of crazy shit here and I will let it stand to a testament to difficult times in my life, but it is time I move on to something new. Take care and goodbye.

Edit: Oh and uh, happy Independence to people in the United States. Party on, dudes and dudettes!

Edit 2: Just because I will not be updating this journal anymore, does not mean that I am leaving livejournal completely. My new journal is here. I am sick of the name "selfhater17" and want something new. "Selfhater" reflected how I felt when I first started to blog, but I do not feel that way anymore.

November 28th, 2009

It Lives!

Wow! I haven't written here for a while. Not that there is anything interesting to report, but I kind of forgot about this place for a while.

Most recent news that I can think of? My cat Zrinyi died a week ago. She's the black cat in the avatar I am using. Advanced kidney disease. There was nothing that could be done so I had to put her to sleep. I miss her.

Haven't done anything artistic or anything so there are no updates on my art gallery. Haven't been recording my dreams either because I either do not remember my dreams or they are so complex or fragmented that I can't make sense of them to write them out.

I don't know. Things are going okay I guess. As always I struggle with my many issues, but things aren't bad right now. Or maybe I just feel that way because the doctors increased my meds yet again. Not feeling much of anything really, but I guess that means the meds are working.


May 12th, 2009

more drawings

(Be aware that some images contain artistic nudity)

-candle plug

- Body Double

- Red Portrait

- Blue Portrait

May 3rd, 2009

I take...

pictures! Because I have a digital camera now! Well, it's a secondhand and I don't have the internet (or a decent computer) yet, but I can still use my parent's or brother's computer thankfully.

Anyway, here are some (but not all) recent updates from my Flickr account.

- A painting I did in the summmer of 2008. Personal art therapy.

- My cat Zrinyi. This is actually carved and painted on a peice of drywall.

- painting I did a few years ago. Took this picture just so I had a record of the image because I intend to reuse the canvas.

- I think this is the first completed painting I ever made, but I can't remember. Painted in highschool in 1999.

- The first soapstone jewelry I ever completed.

- Some soapstone beads I made. Dude, these things take forever to make when it's all done by hand!

April 10th, 2009

I have...

Because I have nothing else to post, here are the latest drawings that I have recently uploaded to my Flickr account:

- contains nudity, so avoid this if at work or school.

Actually, I do have stuff to write about. Nothing terribly interesting mind, but I just wanted to say that I am very happy in my life right now. I have my own apartment and art studio and I have stable financial and health support because I am very lucky to be living in a country with great social health care.

I mean, I still struggle with depression and post taumatic stress and stuff, but life is good right now. I feel good right now, and it seems more real and permanent than just a usual "up" on the roller coaster ride of life.

I don't know why things feel so good right now, because I still have a fucked up family situation and no friends, and no redeemable qualities or anything to contribute to society, and I still have devastating low self esteem, so I really don't understand why I feel so content in life right now.

But I hope it lasts.

February 13th, 2009

What's up Doc?

Lots of things have been happening in my life, both good and bad, but mostly leaning towards good I think. I would update more but there almost seems to be no point since I do not have regular computer access and no one reads this blog anyway.


December 18th, 2008

"Go crazy?"

Me: "Don't mind if I do! Wooooooooo!!!" (<--- reference from The Simpsons.)

So like, I've move out of my parents basement finally, and while I am happy to have my own place, I am at the same time going stir crazy because I have nothing to entertain me but the paint peeling off the walls. Actually, that is not true. I have been painting and carving soapstone but I do not have a scanner or a digital camera let alone a computer, so I have no way of sharing the stuff that I have made. My parents had all of those things but they have disconnected their internet because they have gone to Florida until April or May. (I'm using a friend's computer right now, btw.) I thought living without a computer would not be so bad but since the internet has been my only safe connection to the outside world it is turning out to be very difficult!

I moved out in the end of August and while I have had a few moments here and there to check my e-mails, I have pretty much gone without internet access for four months now! No cable since I do not own a TV (and never watched much of it anyway) but I cannot play videogames either.

So like, I've been doing art out of sheer boredom. Doctors have played with my meds a few times, and I hate it. I'm starting to feel like a friggen chemical factory. I hate pills so much. I have always been against pills and I wish there was an "herbal" remedy for clinical depression, social anxiety and post-traumatic stress. *Sigh*

I know no one reads this blog anymore, but for anyone who happens upon it by accident, have a Happy Holidays.

August 30th, 2008

My soapstone carvings...


August 4th, 2008

Right now I want to delete this entire blog, and erase every detail. But I'm not going to do it. At least not yet. Er, I don't know. The point is, this is probably the last update for a while:

On July 15th I started carving soapstone. It's pretty cool. I've never really understood sculpture but I really enjoy the process of carving. Still dealing with lots of personal shit. The soapstone is really a distraction. But a good one though.

July 3rd, 2008


Same old bullshit. Life sucks. I hate myself. I hate the world. Why the fuck do I continue to put up with this shit? Blah, blah, blah.

There are friends with whom I went to school down this summer. I have been trying to be more social, but I just look like a retard whenever I try to leave the house because I don't know how to socialize properly. I don't get anything out of being around people anyway; it just inflates my anxiety and makes me resentful that people treat me like an imbecil because of my social deficiences (which are not my fault). Fuck I hate people. And it is for this reason that I am more than content to just isolate myself and sleep, which I have been doing. I don't even know why I'm bothing with this either. No one cares and have the people that say they do are laughing at me behind my back or making excuses because the are embarassed to be seen with me.

I know, okay. I'm a pathetic loser. I've known this for years. I am already miserable with out people's added bullshit. Why are their so many fucking assholes in the world?

And I'm supposed to want to socialize, because putting up whit assholic bullshit is normal? Yeah fucking right!
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